breathe.

Hey everyone- finally posting after what feels like years. My posting tapered out in summer shortly after I received a job offer for the Fall. At the end of the summer I started training, then school, and have been drowning in schoolwork and overwhelmed by my new job.

Sadly, I've made little to no progress with gaining. My busy schedule has fucked with my eating, sleeping, and overall schedule, causing my weight to fluctuate drastically between the weeks. I've been bouncing back and forth between 325 and 335, but I'm hoping that the approaching winter break will allow me to level out. While I'm upset at the lack of progress, I really can't imagine accomplishing everything I've had too any bigger than I am. Next semester my schedule is a bit more spread out, and I'm hoping that'll allow me to eat, sleep, and function better.

Despite all this, I've tried to find some time to still connect to the gaining community. In October I went to Expansion, which was honestly one of the best experiences of my life. I met so many amazing people, and really was able to be myself, and unwind. I also came VERY close to finally being able to partake in one of the Chicago meet ups, but I had to scramble at the last minute to finish some work for finals, because of unexpected problems at my job. I've also had a few interesting experiences with a chaser completely rejecting the gainer side of me, and recent discoveries of a possible 'gainer wannabe' in my life. I'll be posting about these in the upcoming weeks... hopefully I'll be able to keep on track this posting this time.

Questions Answered

In my last post I linked to my formspring and asked for any questions you might have, but would be afraid to ask. I was surprised at the number of questions I got. A I had a few 'doubles' where people happened to ask the same (or very similar questions). There was one that came up twice that I felt was a little inappropriate, but I answered it anyway (mainly because it came up twice). I'm going to figure out how to put a little widgit with the formspring box, so that people can continue to ask questions, and I'll try to make this a regular type of blog post :)

• Have you (or would you) ever considered immobility as a long term goal?

I've defiantly fantasized about it. There's something really hot about letting go and losing control, and being a massive mound of flab. Realistically though, I don't think it'd ever work. I'd really ever only considering it if all the resources were available and I had someone I loved and trusted with me, but even then I would have my hesitations. I'm a bit of a control freak, and I don't think I could handle the complete loss of control and freedom, nor do I think most encouragers could handle the amount of pressure that comes along with immobility.

• What's the food item you rely on most to keep packing on the weight?

It's hard to say. I've talked about some food staples in my previous post, but I don't really have any 'super secret gainer food'. I suppose I would say Half & Half, but it tends to be something I cycle on and off with because the strain the dairy puts on my digestive system. I almost always use it in place of milk when cooking. I've actually been making pudding with it this summer, which when made with half & half packs about 1,110 calories in 2 cups.

• Ever wear clothes so tight they split while you were in public?

Yes. It hasn't really happened recently but while I've been gaining I've popped some pants buttons in public, as well as torn some jeans. Last May while visiting an encourager friend he pointed out that one of my tee shirts was literally bursting at the seams.

• What's your goal?

It's hard to say. I at least want to be 450, but because of my height (5'6"), it's hard to say how I'll carry all of it. This summer I've had some knee/ankle/foot pain, but it's partially due to the fact that I've been sleeping on a couch while crashing at home. I wouldn't want to go any bigger than 450-500 on my own, but I'd be open to growing bigger depending on the circumstances, and with support from my partner.

• Besides gaining, what's your biggest sexual turn on?

I guess I'm mildly into bondage- Love light rough housing and being pinned/held down. Also love having my ears/neck kissed.

• Are you ever frustrated by not being able to see your privates? Or perhaps is that a turn on? I mean, is it ever even hard to reach? // Is it true that as you gain it appears smaller?

I was reluctant to answer these just because it's a little awkward, but it's a valid question. Yes, as I've gained my visibility down there has decreased, and it's gotten harder to reach. I've also noticed that as my thighs and public mound have gotten bigger that it's appeared smaller, but also gotten 'smaller' due to everything growing around it. I think it's hot, and it's just part of gaining.

Gainer's Block

I've been tussling with a few ideas for my next post, and holding off on taking any new pics until I get a haircut. Aside from the blog I also have a few other projects on the back burner, but in the mean time I thought I'd follow suit from Get A Snack's anonymous question widgit- and answer some questions people may have, but be afraid to ask.

Ask Away

Food for Thought: TJ's Breakfast

At this point it's (fairly) common knowledge that every so often I escape to Los Angeles to spend some time with a certain high profile encourager. His gainer fiction tends to goto some darker (amazingly erotic) dark territory which leads friends to believe that I spend my visits strapped to a table being force fed cheeseburgers and cream. This is not the case- he straps me to the bed. ;)

All jokes aside, I was surprised to find out how much of a foodie he is. Very anti-fast food and he's opened the many doors to new (high calorie) food options to me. I'm a fairly picky eater, but I find my tastes broadening every visit- most specifically eating a Guava and Goat cheese quesadilla- delish! Breakfast is always simple and wonderful. While I do enjoy Poptarts (400 cal in 2 poptarts), I've grown to appreciate less processed, healthier breakfast alternatives.

Mascarpone

Generally used in Tiramisu or as a compliment in Risotto, Marscarpone is a delicious, thick, creamy italian cheese. It has a very subtle flavor, but is loaded with calories. 1 tablespoon (Trader Joe's brand) has about 60 calories. I generally eat half or the whole container at a time, which provides 480-960 calories. I eat it like yogurt, with some honey and/or fresh berries.

I actually switched to the Mascarpone after I couldn't find the short lived Trader Joe's Mediterranean Style Cheese yogurt which has since been discontinued.

Fage Total

Fage is a super thick plain yogurt that comes in 5.3 oz sizes (with some kind of mix-in), or in 8 oz tubs of plain yogurt. I grab the 5.3 oz Honey mix-in and have it as part of my breakfast or lunch. Adds an easy, delicious 250 calories. Careful while shopping though, because Fage also comes in low fat varieties, so make sure to buy Total for full benefits.

Trader Joe's Very Berry Clusters

Okay, this one isn't one isn't really a stretch but I first tried it when I was out in California. Trader Joe's Very Berry Clusters is a mix of dried berries, oat clusters, cornflakes, and multigrain flakes. 1 cup dry cereal is about 230 calories- which when compared to Fruit Loops which only has 120 calories- is a pretty good source of calories. Have two servings with a cup of whole milk and you have yourself just under 600 calories.

Trader Joe's Soft Pretzel Sticks

Now this is from completely left field, but it's favorite of mine(also, as I wrote this post it seemed to turn to a 'Hey, I should hit up Trader Joe's thing'). Soft, fresh pretzel bread that packs 600 calories in a stick. Really only worth it if you love pretzel bread. Warm it up, slice it open and spread on some butter if you really want to goto town. This is also borderline lunch, so let's consider it a 'post breakfast snack'.

A Matter of Size

At this point I know I'm legitimately big. I can't find clothes that fit in normal stores, stairs are torture (and avoided at all costs), I have to squeeze into chairs with arms, and I'm to get weary of sitting in flimsier looking furniture. Yet, at the same time- I feel small. I feel big, but not nearly as big as I'm sure others see me (specifically outside the gaining community). Recently while hanging out with a chub (on again off again gainer) friend, who's 6'4"ish and 315 lbs, I felt smaller than him. Height aside, I'm much bigger than him, and proportionally he's about the size I was a year ago (except taller). I told him that I didn't feel nearly as big as he looked, and snorted bag 'dude, you're alot bigger than me'.

I feel like I'm at this awkward threshold of my size where I'm beyond normal standards of fat, but still not like stand out of a crowd fat. I'm assuming most of it is due to the fact that I have this dysmorphic view of fat and size. I know on normal standards I'm quickly approaching (if not already) at 'disgustingly' fat. However, I feel like I'm at this weird point in the gaining community where I'm too fat / not fat enough for encouragers. Part of what a lot of encouragers love is being a part of the transformation- where as I'm fairly deep into mine. I've also noticed an increasingly high number of smaller/'newbie' gainers approaching me for advice and encouragement.

While I enjoy chatting and hanging out with

other gainers, It's always been pretty clear in my mind that I could never enter a long term relationship with another gainer. I really can't flip on the encourager switch, nor I am I really interested in shifting the focus to someone else's growth (greedy, I know). It's not that I don't enjoy bigger guys- I'm equal opportunity. But- What I really love about the gainer/encourager dynamic is the contrast- my soft blubber against his strong svelte frame. I love the concept of waking up in the morning to my lover caressing my soft doughy body, leaning in and giving my belly a little jiggle before he hops out of bed and hits the gym, while I roll back over and doze back off, waiting for him to come back with breakfast.

I guess that's the constant struggle of having very set desires- and why so many guys in the community seem to compromise or deny their urges. It's such a shame that so many encouragers are trapped in relationships with 'Normies' denying themselves wonderful, delicious, fat boy goodness.

iGain

I admit I was one of those people who mocked the iPhone until I got one. Friends, coworkers, and relatives all told me it changed their lives when they got it- and I have to say, it really does change your life. What really intrigued me was the GPS, map, and bus/train trackers because I have no sense of direction and live in a major city.

Since getting my iPhone a little under a year ago, I've found a few gainer friendly apps, and I thought i'd share them with you:

• FatSecret

Cost: Free

FatSecret is a great calorie tracking app that works in conjunction with FatSecret, a 'weight loss' website that has a nutritional planner that can be easily adjusted for gaining. After setting your goal (i.e. Gain 2 lbs a week), it will let you know how many calories you need to eat per day to achieve said goal. The database has a HUGE nutritional information database, and even allows users to create custom entries (helpful for when you're cooking at home, as opposed to getting fast food).

The only draw back I've found with FatSecret is forcing myself to keep up with recording my information- even though entries on my phone are synced with my account on the website, I find myself using the app primarily to look up calories when I'm out at fast food joints and chain restaurants

• iGoal- Weight Informer

Cost: Free

This is a weight tracker app that's a bit more simple than FatSecret. iGoalInformer records your weight, height, and dates to allow you to set a weigh gain/loss goal for a set date. The app then tells you how many calories you need to consume each day in order to achieve said goal by the date provided, as well as telling you how possible the goal is. Very simple, great app, although the start weight requiring a date is a little wonky, as when you update your weight, you have to remember to reset the date.

• FatBooth

Cost: .99

This is a silly app that morph lovers will really enjoy. Simply snap a face pic, and run it through the app to see what you'd look like... fat. Basically the app just distorts photos for the cheeks to be fatter and adds a double chin- some pics turn out better than others, but for 99 cents it's pretty solid. Might be a worthwhile investment for you encouragers to show your fat boy's what their in store for ;).

Honorable Mention:

• Grindr

Cost: Free, Premium 2.99 / monthly

Grindr is an app that lets you find Gay, Bi and Curious guys in your area. Showing profiles and how far away a guy is from you, you can message guys as well as send pics back and forth. While I love how innovative this app is, most of the guys in it aren't in my market (rather, I'm not in theirs). Someone REALLY needs to make a chub/chaser/gainer/encourager version of this app. Like, For real, someone should get on this. I have gotten a few messages on Grindr, but in most cases it's been guys I know from Beefyfrat, or in the case they're some mysterious chubby chaser, they don't have a picture in their profile.

That's all I got- anyone else have any App suggestions? Or more importantly, anyone want to help tackle the Grindr issue and make Gainr?

Up in the Air

I've never been a big flyer. My family traveled to the east coast on an annual basis when I was a child, but as my siblings and I grew up trips became less frequent, and I opted out of family vacations when they would come up.

Last May I was presented with the chance to visit an encourager friend in Los Angeles. The seating issue never crossed my mind at all- at the time I was around 280 lbs (albiet, 5'6"), but I didn't think I was anywhere near big enough to have issues fitting into a seat. I did however, find myself at the crossroads of not being able to find pants that fit in store (Old Navy only carries up to 42, but has 'extended' sizes online).

I managed to fit into my seat (Southwest) it was a tight squeeze, but I survived. I really struggled with my seatbelt, but That was around 284 lbs. This past October I was flying Southwest again (around 310 lbs or so) and it was unbearably tight squeeze into my seat. At the start of this year I flew again, only 10-15 lbs heavier, but it was absolute torture. Both flights were completely full, and my love handle was spilling over the arm rest, and i had to have my legs and arms wrapped around each other- leaning away from my fellow passenger.

Shortly after this incident Kevin Smith had his run in with Southwest. While I don't agree while it was handled, having experienced first hand how uncomfortable it can be for myself and I'm sure the person next to me. I was also now terrified of the aspect of being kicked off a flight for being too fat.

On the other hand, the average airplane seat width is 17 -18 inches so if you have wider than a 36 in waist it's going to be a little tight. Now taking into account that I have a 50+ in waist, and my belly/love handles are around 63" sitting, I'm pretty much screwed. Last week I took a trip to LA (via Southwest), booking two seats for the first time. I called customer services when I made the reservation to double check about check-in procedures, and they were very friendly, guiding me through the procedure. The agent I spoke with messed up the reservation- never linking the two seats, but when I checked in at the gate, this problem was promptly fixed, and I was given a 'seat reservation ticket' to put on my 2nd seat. When I got to my gate I was given a pre boarding pass, so I could ensure my 2nd seat and get situated before the other passengers boarded.

Unfortunately the new boarding pass the agent at check in had given me had the wrong gate number, and I not only missed pre-boarding, but I almost missed my flight. I was able to cut ahead of the 'B' group, and upon boarding the plane I showed the flight attendant my 'seat reservation', she gave me a seatbelt extender, and was very polite- telling me 'I wouldn't have necessarily guessed - but you're thinkin' right!'. Her kindess meant alot, after ast year (50+ lbs prior), when I asked for Dr. Pepper as my in flight beverage, the flight attendant barked back 'you know it's not diet, right?'

The 2nd seat made a huge difference I filled up a decent chunk of the other seat and had room to adjust myself/get cozy/whatever. Southwest also has a refund policy, so that if 'customers of size' purchase a 2nd seat, and there is at least one other open seat on the plane they can be refunded the money for the 2nd seat. I'm planning to fly to Fort Lauderdale for Expansion, but I'm researching alternatives to Southwest. Spirit Airlines has some 'Big' seats that offer more leg room and seats that are a bit wider, and I'm hoping to be able to coax one of my local chaser/encourager friends into being my 'seat buddy'- but I'll have to see how it pans out.